英語(yǔ)笑話小短文

　　1.Prize

　　Little Albert came home from school with a new book under his arm. "It's a prize, mother," he explained.

　　"A prize? What for, dear?"

　　"For natural history. Teacher asked me how many legs an ostrich has, and I said three."

　　"But an ostrich has only two legs."

　　"I know it now. But all the pupils said four, so I was the closest."

　　獎(jiǎng)品

　　小阿爾伯特腋下夾著一本新書(shū)從學(xué)?；丶襾?lái)了。“這是獎(jiǎng)品，媽媽。”他解釋道。

　　“獎(jiǎng)品?因?yàn)槭裁吹玫摹ＳH愛(ài)的?”

　　“因?yàn)樽匀徽n得的。老師問(wèn)我鴕鳥(niǎo)有幾條腿，我說(shuō)有三條。”

　　“但是鴕鳥(niǎo)是兩條腿啊。”

　　“我現(xiàn)在知道了。但其他學(xué)生都說(shuō)有四條。所以還是我最接近正確答案。”

　　2.A portrait of God

　　A little boy was drawing a sketch with pencil and paper.

　　When his mother asked what he was doing, he answered immediately and with considerable pride: "I am drawing a portrait of God."

　　Being surprised and afraid, his mother said: "You cannot do that. No one has ever seen God. No one knows how God looks."

　　But the little boy replied complacently: "Well, when I get through, they will know."

　　上帝的畫(huà)像

　　一個(gè)小男孩拿著鉛筆和紙?jiān)诋?huà)一幅素描。

　　他的媽媽問(wèn)他在干什么時(shí)，他馬上很自豪地回答說(shuō)：“我在畫(huà)一幅上帝的肖像。”

　　他的媽媽既驚訝又害怕，說(shuō)：“你不能這樣做的，沒(méi)有人見(jiàn)過(guò)上帝，誰(shuí)也不知道上帝是什么樣子。”

　　可是小男孩得意的回答：“等我畫(huà)完了，他們就會(huì)知道啦。”

　　3.The remaining sheep

　　The teacher said: "If the shepherd1 put twenty sheep out to feed on the grass in a field, five of them jumped a fence, how many sheep would be left?"

　　"None," called out little Mac. The teacher said: "I am surprised that you can't count correctly. I know that you are good at arithmetic, but you have made such a mistake now."

　　Little Mac said: "You know arithmetic, teacher, but you don't know sheep. I know that if one sheep jumped, the rest will follow it to do the same."

　　剩下的羊

　　老師說(shuō)：“如果牧羊人把20只羊放到牧場(chǎng)上去吃草，有5只羊跳出了圍欄，還會(huì)剩下多少只?”

　　小麥克大聲回答說(shuō)：“一只都沒(méi)有。”老師說(shuō)：“我很驚訝，你竟然不會(huì)算數(shù)。我知道你的算術(shù)很好的，現(xiàn)在竟會(huì)出錯(cuò)。”

　　小麥克說(shuō)：“老師，你懂算術(shù)，但你不了解羊。英語(yǔ)小故事我知道，若是有一只羊跳了出去，其余的就會(huì)跟著她跳出去。”

　　4.Be Careful What You Wish For

　　A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

　　During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

　　The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

　　Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

　　The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

　　慎重許愿

　　一對(duì)結(jié)婚25周年的夫妻在慶祝他們六十歲的生日。他們恰好在同一天出生。

　　慶祝活動(dòng)中，一位仙女出現(xiàn)了。她說(shuō)，由于他們是已經(jīng)結(jié)婚25年的恩愛(ài)夫妻，因此她給許給這對(duì)夫妻每個(gè)人一個(gè)愿望。

　　妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一聲，她的手中出現(xiàn)了一張票。

　　接下來(lái)該丈夫許愿了。他猶豫片刻，害羞地說(shuō)，“那我想要一位比我年輕30歲的女人。”

　　仙女拾起了魔術(shù)棒。“呯!”，他變成了90歲。

　　5.Don't Argue with Children

　　A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

　　The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

　　The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.

　　Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

　　The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

　　The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

　　The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

　　不要和小孩爭(zhēng)論

　　一個(gè)小女孩和她的老師正在談?wù)撚嘘P(guān)鯨魚(yú)的事情。

　　她的老師說(shuō)：“一頭鯨魚(yú)從身體構(gòu)造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一個(gè)人的。因?yàn)楸M管鯨魚(yú)是一種非常巨大的哺乳動(dòng)物，可它的嗓子非常小。”

　　那個(gè)小女孩說(shuō)約拿(一位西伯來(lái)先知)就是被鯨魚(yú)吞掉的。

　　她的老師非常生氣，她再次告訴小女孩說(shuō)：“從身體構(gòu)造角度來(lái)講，鯨魚(yú)是不可能吞掉一個(gè)人的。”

　　那個(gè)小女孩說(shuō)：“那等我到了天堂，就去問(wèn)問(wèn)約拿。”

　　她的老師問(wèn)：“那么，假如約拿下了地獄怎么辦?”

　　那個(gè)小女孩回答：“如果是那樣的話，你就去問(wèn)他。”

　　6.The boy and the snails

　　A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"

　　男孩和蝸牛

　　一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)下少年到處尋找蝸牛，當(dāng)他雙手都塞滿了蝸牛后，就準(zhǔn)備點(diǎn)火烤著吃?；瘘c(diǎn)著了，蝸牛也開(kāi)始感覺(jué)到熱了，他們紛紛退向堅(jiān)殼的深處，同時(shí)還發(fā)出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子聽(tīng)到了蝸牛發(fā)出的噓聲，便說(shuō)：“你們這些連命都快沒(méi)有的家伙，怎么還能有心情在窩里著火時(shí)吹口哨呢?”

　　7.Best Reward

　　A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

　　"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

　　最好的獎(jiǎng)賞

　　一名海軍軍官?gòu)募装迳系羧牒Ｖ小Ｋ灰幻装逅志绕?。這位軍官問(wèn)如何才能酬謝他。

　　“最好的辦法，長(zhǎng)官，”這名水手說(shuō)，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會(huì)把我扔下去的。”

　　8.A school report

　　The father was reading the school report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful(憤怒的) as he read,

　　"English, poor. French, weak. mathematics, fair." and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad(少年，小伙子).

　　"Well, Dad." said the son, "It is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line which read, "health, excellent."

　　學(xué)校成績(jī)單

　　父親在看他那滿懷希望的兒子帶回來(lái)的學(xué)校成績(jī)單。他邊看邊露出憤怒的表情：

　　“英語(yǔ)，差;法語(yǔ)，差;數(shù)學(xué)，中。”他厭惡地瞥了在發(fā)抖的兒子一眼。

　　“爸爸，”兒子說(shuō)，“可能成績(jī)不夠理想。但您看到那一項(xiàng)了嗎?”他指了指下一行：“健康狀況，優(yōu)。”

　　9.No Bottles Accepted After Five O'clock

　　One day neat closing time at 6:30, four young children arrived with bottles. Wanting to put a stop to this habit, I sternly2 asked each child if he was aware of the rules. Three shook their heads no, but the youngest said he knew. "Why then." I asked, "have you brought me these bottles?"

　　"I can't tell time yet." He said.

　　為了緩解購(gòu)物高峰，我們這個(gè)小水果店為孩子們退飲料瓶做了如下規(guī)定：

　　五點(diǎn)鐘以后不收瓶子

　　快到六點(diǎn)半下班的時(shí)候，四個(gè)孩子來(lái)退瓶子。為了制止他們的這個(gè)習(xí)慣，我故意很嚴(yán)肅的問(wèn)每個(gè)孩子是否知道我們的規(guī)定。其中三個(gè)孩子都搖頭表示不知道。只有那個(gè)最小的說(shuō)他知道。“那你為什么還在這個(gè)時(shí)間來(lái)退瓶子呢?”我問(wèn)他。

　　“我還不認(rèn)識(shí)表呢!”他說(shuō)。

　　10.The Author's Son

　　The kind bishop1 intimately asked an author's son, "Do you want to become an author like your father?"

　　"No," replied the author's son.

　　"Then what is your ambition, my little man?" said the bishop.

　　"I want to become a famous person, then anything I write will be printed," frankly2 replied the hopeful little boy, wise beyond his age.

　　作家的兒子

　　和藹友善的主教親切地問(wèn)一位作家的兒子：“你想成為一個(gè)像你父親一樣的作家嗎?”

　　作家的兒子回答說(shuō)：“不想。”

　　主教說(shuō)：“那你有什么志向呀，小家伙!”

　　這個(gè)早慧的對(duì)未來(lái)充滿希望的男孩坦率地回答說(shuō)：“我要成為一個(gè)有名的人，那時(shí)無(wú)論我寫(xiě)什么，都會(huì)被刊載和出版。”

　　11.Clever Bobby

　　Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor, telling the man how clever his son was.

　　"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. He's going to be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."

　　He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on his knee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe(長(zhǎng)頸鹿).

　　"What's that, Bobby?"

　　"Horsey," said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy." Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when a picture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"

　　聰明的博比

　　布朗非常欣賞他的小兒子。一次他和一位客人聊他的兒子有多聰明。 布朗說(shuō)：“他只有兩歲，就認(rèn)識(shí)所有的動(dòng)物了。他長(zhǎng)大一定會(huì)是一個(gè)出色的自然學(xué)家。來(lái)，我讓你看看。”

　　他從書(shū)架上拿下一本自然書(shū)，把博比抱到膝上，打開(kāi)書(shū)。指著一張長(zhǎng)頸鹿的畫(huà)片。

　　“博比，這是什么?” “馬馬，”博比回答。 他又指了一張老虎的畫(huà)片，博比回答說(shuō)：“貓咪。” 然后布朗又指了一張獅子的畫(huà)片，博比說(shuō)：“狗狗。” 他又指了一張黑猩猩的畫(huà)片，博比說(shuō)：“爸爸!”

　　12.All Right

　　Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just make an illegal turn."

　　"I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."

　　沒(méi)關(guān)系

　　我趕著開(kāi)車將11歲的女兒送到學(xué)校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯注:在一些國(guó)家如英國(guó),其交通規(guī)則是車輛左行的,與我國(guó)相反)。“啊噢，”意識(shí)到犯了錯(cuò)誤，我說(shuō)。“我剛才拐彎是違章的。”

　　“我想那沒(méi)關(guān)系的，”女兒回答說(shuō)：“我們后面的警車也同樣拐了彎。”